Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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