Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
