he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
