I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
