Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
