i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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