dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
