I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
