At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Boobs are out for the taking
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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