Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
