He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
