My girlfriend figured out who you are.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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