alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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