guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
