I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
