Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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