it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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