Nicole vs. Life
My hand turned me down
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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