I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
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I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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