I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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