Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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