Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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