moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
