ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We need a shit load of segways right now
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
