ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize