new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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