If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
