You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What drink are we having for lunch?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
