Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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