the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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