Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
