College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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