Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
