All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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