I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
