Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I could fuck to npr.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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