i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
