u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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