I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
