Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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