you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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