It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
