i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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