Who did Billy Mays play for?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
