I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i will never coherently bang her
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?