i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.