He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
