I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
