shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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