i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I need moral support for this bender
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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