Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
