My hand turned me down
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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