There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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