Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
