dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
