How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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