M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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