So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
