So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
