My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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