In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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