Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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