I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
