I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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